I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I supernannyed him into submission
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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