Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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