i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
