So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize