to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
