we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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