im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
