Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
