Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
