the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
