Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Less talking, more tequila
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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