i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
