Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
