I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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