I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
