I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sober January is a disaster.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
