The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
