Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
