remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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