dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
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There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night