Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it