Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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