I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
