i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
