I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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