I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
