You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
