New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
