I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
nutella sex= disaster
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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