If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
