my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
