i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
