I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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