cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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