Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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