i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
