We're like a lot better than the average bears
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
