This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
