eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
