I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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