The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
