wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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