i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
