No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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