I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Pants are for mortals
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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