How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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