The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
