I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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