it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
