the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
