we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
