Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
