i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
