I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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