i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
