We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
