we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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