I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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